A Fairy Tale starts with
"Once upon a time"
and a Sea story starts with
"This aint no shit"

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THE OLD PHONE
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach , but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it. Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the time. My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the he stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver the parlor and held it to my ear. "Information, please" I said into the mouth piece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voicespokeinto my ear. "Information." "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came the question. "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered. "Are you bleeding?" the voice asked. "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts." "Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could. "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," saidthevoice. After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her her help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts. Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called,Information Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of the cage?" She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paulalwaysremember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better. Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please.""Information,"said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked. All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine year years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back homel and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient,understanding,and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy. A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please." Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. "Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea much you meant to me during that time?" I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me. In ever had any children and I used to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally." Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. "Sally had be enworking part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes," I answered. "Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you. Let me read it to you." The note read, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant. Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?

If I were Ole' Santa, you know what I'd do;I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you, And deliver some things just inside your front door, Things you have lost, but treasured before.I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor, And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.Then restore the old color that once graced your hairBefore rinses and bleaches took residence there.I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted, So things now suspended need not be uplifted.I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin, So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin, You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells, And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes, No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose, Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny, from a doctor who thinks you're a nervous and old.You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take, And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache, Yes, if I were Santa you'd never look stupid, you'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid. I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistleAnd the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle. But alas! I'm not Santa, I'm simply just me

This was written by an 83 year old..
Dear Bertha,
I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was. I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them. "People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there." I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

Wisdom
     Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earning' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
      Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
      If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a horoughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
      A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up. Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
      Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra. You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up, or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
     Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
       First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, but it's really worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ......Today, it's called Golf.

Too Busy for a Friend...?

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's mathteacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

If you're "too busy" to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

J O K E S

In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief". Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him.

The old sailor said good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed and three days later came back with the limit. The next year they came back. "Chief got better, gonna cost you $75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit.

The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you by $4.00."

"But we don't understand, what happen to him?" "Well, a crew from the Norfolk Naval Base base came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him Master Chief, and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever since."

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help.

After six months, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sarah, became alarmed and wanted to know what happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.! He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired from his job.

Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

Three Navy retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a chat one
fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

THE FUTURE OF JESSE JACKSON

One day in the future, Jesse Jackson has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide
who leaves."

Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in
and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Jesse said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . .This is priceless ...."OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.' The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'

She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told
me is technically ! correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'

The man smiled and said, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, it's my fault.'"

Ain't it the truth

working people frequently ask retired people what they do to
Make their days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 Minutes when I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a
Break?" he ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had an "elect john kerry" bumper sticker on it. I try to have a little fun each day now that i'm retired. It's important at our age.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is ... . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . ..... not peeing in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way; BUT
NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

Take the time to live!!! Life is too short

MILITARY RULES FOR "NON-MILITARY" PERSONNEL
Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For
those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:
1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest
... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly
pullthem aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans
made to make this nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing camouflage, telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," andcollecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven.Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do youfly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deservesan ass kicking (children are exempt).6) If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard non-military, informthem of their mistake ... then kick their ass.
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper .. itwas a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will bekicked.
8) Next time Old Glory goes by during a parade, get on your damn feet andpay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank themilitary member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her ... of course,failureto do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking
.9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. Justmention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked. SeanPenn's interpretation of helping, plays right along with Jane Fonda.10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. Weare Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation.The President is our Commander in Chief regardless of political party. We haveno inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings whereall those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilianrepresentatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to gostraighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I canseehim kicking your ass already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me. If she did, shewould most likely be a vet and, therefore, could kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's gokill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls arenot standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyonecalling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick theirass.
13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy),etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are aservice member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Doing so willget your ass kicked.
14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military,support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religiousholiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there areliterally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could bewith their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they makeevery day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked."It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of thepress.It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom todemonstrate.It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, andwhose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."(Authored by:) Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Sergeant, USMC(Please pass this on so I won't have to kick your ass!)

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Growing older is mandatory...growing up is optional! Live life to the fullest each day!

LET'S RETIRE AT THE HOLIDAY INN

A few days ago, we received one of those infinitely forwarded emails that struck our fancy because it was so clever and, as you'll soon read, has a certain quirky logic. Kudos to the anonymous writer:

"No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night.

That leaves $138.77 a day for:
1. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.
2. Laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5.00 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my emails to the Holiday Inn!"

Most standard rooms have coffeemakers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV-all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends.

Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free Program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well.

If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, in a Holiday Inn you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room--your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being perma-skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check this story out--and are happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate (we could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!). See you at the Inn!

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Pole: All my relations are in Poland.
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read --
it says, "Polish Remover."

The Best of Rodney!

A girl phoned me the other day and said ...."Come on over, there's nobody home".I went over. Nobody was home."

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to playwith.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked.I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... Why are you doing that? He said ....Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could..... But he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... All right....you're ugly too!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and said. Look ... twins!

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Subject: Military Words of Wisdom

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -
Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -
U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS." -
Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." -
David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."
-Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." -
Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." -
Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." -
Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." -
Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

 

"Once I Was A Navyman"
E.A. Hughes, FTCM (SS), USN (Retired)

I like the Navy. I like standing on deck during a long voyage with sea spray in my face and ocean winds whipping in from everywhere - The feel of the giant steel ship beneath me, it's engines driving against the sea

is almost beyond understanding - It’s immense power makes the Navyman feel so insignificant but yet proud to be a small part of this ship - A small part of Her mission.

I like the Navy. I like the sound of taps over the ships announcing system, the ringing of the ships bell, the foghorns and strong laughter of Navy men at work. I like the ships of the Navy - nervous darting destroyers, sleek proud cruisers, majestic battle ships, steady solid carriers and silent hidden submarines. I like the workhorse tugboats with their proud Indian names: Iroquois, Apache, Kiawah and Sioux - each stealthy powerful tug safely guiding the warships to safe deep waters from all harbors.

I like the historic names of other proud Navy Ships: Midway, Hornet, Princeton, Sea Wolf and Saratoga. The Ozark, Hunley, William R. Rush and Turner, the, Missouri, Wichita, Iowa, Arizona and Manchester, as well as The Sullivan’s, Enterprise, Tecumseh, Cole and Nautilus too- all majestic ships of the line - Each ship commanding the respect of all Navymen that have known Her - or were privileged to be a part of Her crew.

I like the bounce of Navy music and the tempo of a Navy Band, "Liberty Whites", “13 Button Blues”, the rare 72 hour liberty and the spice scent of a foreign port - I like shipmates I've sailed with, worked with, served with or have known: The Gunners Mate from the Iowa cornfields; a Sonarman from the Colorado mountain country; a pal from Cairo, Alabama; an Italian from near Boston; some boogie boarders of California; and of course, a drawling friendly Oklahoma lad that hailed from Muskogee; and a very congenial Engineman from the Tennessee hills.

From all parts of the land they came - farms of the Midwest, small towns of New England - the red clay area and small towns of the South - the mountain and high prairie towns of the West - the beachfront towns of the Atlantic, the Pacific and the Gulf - All are American; all are comrades in arms - All are men of the sea and all are men of honor.

I like the adventure in my heart when the ship puts out to sea, and I like the electric thrill of sailing home again, with the waving hands of welcome from family and friends, waiting on shore - The extended time at sea drags; the going is rough on occasion. But there's the companionship of robust Navy laughter, the devil-may-care philosophy of the sea. This helps the Navyman - The remembrances of past shipmates fill the mind and restore the memory with images of other ships, other ports, and other cruises long past. Some memories are good, some are not so good, but all are etched in the mind of the Navyman - and most will be there forever.

After a day of work, there is the serenity of the sea at dusk. As white caps dance on the ocean waves, the sunset creates flaming clouds that float in folds over the horizon - as if painted there by a master. The darkness follows soon and is mysterious. The ship’s wake in darkness has a hypnotic effect, with foamy white froth and luminescence that forms never ending patterns in the turbulent waters - I like the lights of the ship in darkness - the masthead lights, the red and green sidelights and stern lights. They cut through the night and appear as a mirror of stars in darkness - There are rough stormy nights, and calm, quiet, still nights where the quiet of the mid-watch allows the ghosts of all the Sailors of the world to stand with you. They are abundant and unreachable, but ever apparent - And there is always the aroma of fresh coffee from the galley.

I like the legends of the Navy and the Navymen that created those legends. I like the proud names of Navy Heroes: Halsey, Nimitz, Beach, Farragut, John McCain, Rickover and John Paul Jones. A man can find much in the Navy - comrades in arms, pride in his country - A man can find himself and can revel in this experience.

In years to come, when the Sailor is home from the sea, he will still recall with fondness the ocean spray on his face when the sea is angry - There will come a faint aroma of fresh paint in his nostrils, the echo of hearty laughter of the seafaring men who once were close companions - Now landlocked, he will grow wistful of his Navy days, when the seas were the largest part of him and a new port of call was always just over the horizon.

Recalling those days and times, he will stand taller and say: "ONCE I WAS A NAVYMAN !”

E.A. Hughes, FTCM (SS), USN (Retired)

Decommissioning Crew
Rick Naylor EM1 USN 1972 to 1978.

I was on the decommissioning crew of the Perry from March of 1973 to August 1973 while she was in Jacksonville, Fla. It was a temporary duty station for me, I enjoyed my time there. I was assigned as an EM3 at the time and worked on the shore power system. At that time one of the major switchboards had a failure and we ran cables down to the main generator room. I was assigned by the electrical LPO and EDO to bring on shore power, when I meggered the line it was shorted. Both of them didn't think I knew how to properly test the panel, so they told me to close the breaker. I refused, and told them the panel was shorted. So the LPO threw the breaker and blew the panel competley off the side of the ship. So we ran the cable down to the main panel and bypassed the normal route. That was my first day on the ship.
Rick Naylor EM1 USN 1972 to 1978.
Midwest Trains
1114A State Street,Bettendorf, IA 52722
www.midwest-trains.com
563-359-1427

THE OLD OUTFIT
'Written By a World War Two Sailor.'

Come gather round me lads and I'll tell you a thing or two,about the way we ran the Navy in nineteen forty two. When wooden ships and iron men were barely out of sight,I am going to give you some facts just to set the record right. We wore the ole bell bottoms, with a flat hat on our head,and we always hit the sack at night. We never 'went to bed.'Our uniforms were worn ashore, and we were mighty proud.Never thought of wearing civvies, in fact they were not allowed.Now when a ship puts out to sea. I'll tell you son-it hurts!When suddenly you notice that half the crews wearing skirts.And it's hard for me to imagine, a female boatswains mate,stopping on the Quarter deck to make sure her stockings are straight.

What happened to the KiYi brush, and the old salt-water bath?Holy stoning decks at night- cause you stirred old Bosn's wrath!We always had our gedunk stand and lots of pogey bait.And it always took a hitch or two ,just to make a rate.In your seabag all your skivvies, were neatly stopped and rolled.And the blankets on your sack had better have a three-inch fold.Your little ditty bag . . it is hard to believe just how much it held,and you wouldn't go ashore with pants that hadn't been spiked and belled.

We had scullery maids and succotash and good old S.O.S.And when you felt like topping off -you headed for the mess.Oh we had our belly robbers- but there weren't too many gripes.For the deck apes were never hungry and there were no starving snipes.Now you never hear of Davey Jones, Shellbacks Or Polliwogs,and you never splice the mainbrace to receive your daily grog.Now you never have to dog a watch or stand the main event.You even tie your lines today- - back in my time they were bent.

We were all two-fisted drinkers and no one thought you sinned,if you staggered back aboard your ship, three sheets to the wind.And with just a couple hours of sleep you regained your usual luster.Bright eyed and bushy tailed- you still made morning muster.Rocks and shoals have long since gone, and now it's U.C.M.J.THEN the old man handled everything if you should go astray.

Now they steer the ships with dials, and I wouldn't be surprised,if some day they sailed the damned things- from the beach computerized.So when my earthly hitch is over, and the good Lord picks the best, I'LL walk right up to HIM and say, 'Sir, I have but one request-Let me sail the seas of Heaven in a coat of Navy blue.Like I did so long ago on earth - way back in nineteen-forty two.

'Lt. J.G Don Ballard joined the U.S. Navy in 1935 when he received $21.00 per Month. What theauthor says in his words is true. In 1935 only 13 men joined the Navy (from Tennessee) and Don wasone of them.Proudly copied from Lt .Ballard USN Retired, April 13, 2002 , who loved the Navy and all the menhe served with in all of World War Two

Longest Perry Tour
Don Turner

Sorry Doris and I missed the reunion but she fell and broke her foot in two places and it wasn't advisable to travel that soon. I always look forward to seeing everone especially my OI Division troopers.
A recent newsletter had a note that I served aboard Perry for 6 and1/2 years, actually it was 7 & 1/2 yrs. I reported aboard in Feb 1960 (Capt Kane) as an RD3, progressed to RDC then shortly thereafter was commissioned a Chief Warrant Officer by Capt Wideman and departed July 4,1967.
It was a long but very enjoyable tour, and even got to drive the ship under Capt's Clark and Wideman. I served under five skippers and five XO's.

Don

Duty & Responsibility
A lesson learned as told at our Mystic reunion
Bob Hales

When my Communication Officer entered the Radio Shack and asked me to join him on the Asrock Missile deck I soon learned my liberty plans to attend my girls high school homecoming dance the following day was not etched in stone. At our meeting, I was informed of the disciplinary action to be taken against the Radio Shack messenger for failure to deliver a very important message. Furthermore, as leading Radioman I would be restricted to the ship for my responsibility regarding the incident.

After explaining my plans, I was told the decision was final. My reply that I would be taking my liberty as planned brought the response that I would loose my stripes for disobeying orders. I then reached over to my left arm and ripped off my stripes and threw them into the water, stating ... "There you have my stripes, I'm going". Our conversation ended without another word as the Officer turned and walked toward the Bridge.
I stayed aboard as ordered and today I'm pleased to say, the incident thought me a valuable lesson that I carried throughout my career. 'Duty and Responsibility' are never to be challenged.

I believe Bo enjoyed the story as much as Bob did telling the story. 'Bo' is also known as Ltjg Carroll L Bolick. Bo was the nick name bestowed upon him by the Capt. when he came aboard the Perry and has stuck ever since.

Your Navy Seabag
Thoughts from an old fellow Destroyer Sailor
Author Unknown - submitted by James Doc Holladay

There was a time when everything you owned had to fit in your seabag. Remember those nasty rascals? Fully packed, one of the suckers weighed more than the poor devil hauling it. The damn things weighed a ton and some idiot with an off-center sense of humor sewed a carry handle on it to help you haul it. Hell, you could bolt a handle on a Greyhound bus but it wouldn't make the damn thing portable. The Army, Marines, and Air Force got footlockers and WE got a big ole' canvas bag.

After you warped your spine jackassing the goofy thing through a bus or train station, sat on it waiting for connecting transportation and made folks mad because it was too damn big to fit in any overhead rack on any bus, train, and airplane ever made, the contents looked like hell. All your gear appeared to have come from bums who slept on park benches. Traveling with a seabag was something left over from the "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum" sailing ship days. Sailors used to sleep in hammocks, so you stowed your issue in a big canvas bag and lashed your hammock to it, hoisted it on your shoulder and, in effect, moved your entire home from ship to ship. I wouldn't say you traveled light because with ONE strap it was a one shoulder load that could torque your skeletal frame and bust your ankles. It was like hauling a dead Greenbay linebacker.

They wasted a lot of time in boot camp telling you how to pack one of the suckers. There was an officially sanctioned method of organization that you forgot after ten minutes on the other side of the gate at Great Lakes' or San Diego's boot camp.

You got rid of a lot of the 'issue' gear when you went to a SHIP. Did you EVER know a tin-can sailor who had a raincoat? A flat hat? One of those nut-hugger knit swimsuits? How bout those 'roll-your-own' neckerchiefs... The ones girls in a good Naval tailor shop would cut down & sew into a 'greasy snake' for two bucks?

Within six months, EVERY fleet sailor was down to ONE set of dress blues, port & starboard, undress blues, and whites, a couple of white hats, boots, shoes, a watch cap, assorted skivvies, a pea coat, and three sets of bleached-out dungarees. The rest of your original issue was either in the pea coat locker, lucky bag, or had been reduced to wipe-down rags in the paint locker. Underway ships were NOT ships that allowed vast accumulation of private gear. Hobos who lived in discarded refrigerator crates could amass greater loads of pack-rat crap than fleet sailors. The confines of a canvas-back rack, side locker, and a couple of bunk bags did NOT allow one to live a Donald Trump existence. Space and the going pay scale combined to make us envy the lifestyle of a mud-hut Ethiopian. We were global equivalents of nomadic Mongols without ponies to haul our stuff. And after the rigid routine of boot camp, we learned the skill of random compression, known by mothers world-wide as 'cramming'. It is amazing what you can jam into a space no bigger than a bread-box if you pull a watch cap over a boot and push it with your foot. Of course, it looks kinda weird when you pull it out, but they NEVER hold fashion shows at sea and wrinkles added character to a 'salty' appearance. There was a four-hundred mile gap between the images on recruiting posters and the ACTUAL appearance of sailors at sea.

It was NOT without justifiable reason that we were called the tin-can Navy. We operated on the premise that if 'Cleanliness was next to Godliness' we must be next to the other end of that spectrum... We looked like our clothing had been pressed with a waffle iron and packed by a bulldozer. But what in hell did they expect from a bunch of swabs that lived in a crew's hole of a 2100 Fletcher Class tin-can? After awhile you got used to it... You got used to everything you owned picking up and retaining that distinctive aroma... You got used to old ladies on busses taking a couple of wrinkled nose sniffs of your pea coat, then getting and finding another seat. Do they still issue seabags? Can you still make five bucks sitting up half the night drawing a ship's picture on the side of one of the damn things with black and white marking pens that drive the old master-at-arms into a 'rig for heart attack' frenzy? Make their faces red... The veins on their neck bulge out.... And yell, 'What in God's name is that all over your seabag???' 'Artwork, Chief... It's like the work of Michelangelo... MY ship... GREAT, huh?" "Looks like some damn comic book..."

Here was a man with cobras tattooed on his arms... A skull with a dagger through one eye and a ribbon reading 'DEATH BEFORE SHORE DUTY' on his shoulder... Crossed anchors with 'Subic Bay-1945' on the other shoulder... An eagle on his chest and a full blown Chinese dragon peeking out between the cheeks of his butt... If ANYONE was an authority on stuff that looked like a comic book, it HAD to be the MAA... Sometimes, I look at all the crap stacked in my garage and home, close my eyes and smile, remembering a time when EVERYTHING I owned could be crammed into a canvas bag.

 

USS Revenge
Shipwreck From 1811 Discovered Off Rhode Island Coast
MICHELLE R. SMITH 01/ 7/11 09:00 PM ET AP

PROVIDENCE, R.I. A team of divers say they've discovered the remains of the USS Revenge, a ship commanded by U.S. Navy hero Oliver Hazard Perry and wrecked off Rhode Island in 1811.

Perry is known for defeating the British in the 1813 Battle of Lake Erie off the shores of Ohio, Michigan and Ontario in the War of 1812 and for the line "We have met the enemy and they are ours." His battle flag bore the phrase "Don't give up the ship," and to this day is a symbol of the Navy.

The divers, Charles Buffum, a brewery owner from Stonington, Conn., and Craig Harger, a carbon dioxide salesman from Colchester, Conn., say the wreck changed the course of history because Perry likely would not have been sent to Lake Erie otherwise. Sunday is the 200th anniversary of the wreck.

Buffum said he's been interested in finding the remains of the Revenge ever since his mother several years ago gave him the book "Shipwrecks on the Shores of Westerly." The book includes Perry's account of the wreck, which happened when it hit a reef in a storm in heavy fog off Watch Hill in Westerly as Perry was bringing the ship from Newport to New London, Conn.

"I always thought to myself we ought to go out and have a look and just see if there's anything left," Buffum said.

The two, along with a third man, Mike Fournier, set out to find it with the aid of a metal detector. After several dives, they came across a cannon, then another.

"It was just thrilling," Harger said.

They made their first discovery in August 2005, and kept it secret as they continued to explore the area and make additional discoveries. Since then, they have found four more 42-inch-long cannons, an anchor, canister shot, and other metal objects that they say they're 99 percent sure were from the Revenge.

Buffum and Harger say the items fit into the time period that the Revenge sank, the anchor appears to be the main one that is known to have been cut loose from the ship, and that no other military ships with cannons have been recorded as sinking in the area.

They have not discovered a ship's bell or anything else that identifies it as the Revenge, and all the wood has disappeared, which is not unusual for a wreck that old, they said.

The Navy has a right to salvage its shipwrecks, and the two say they've contacted the Naval History & Heritage Command, which oversees such operations, in hopes the Navy will salvage the remains. A spokesman for the command did not immediately return messages seeking comment.

If the Navy does not, they said they hope to raise the money for a salvage operation so the artifacts can be displayed at a historical society.

They say they are concerned now that they are going public that other divers might try to remove objects from the site, which is a violation of the law. Many of the objects they found are in only 15 feet of water, although the area is difficult to dive because of currents, they said.

As for whether the wreck of the Revenge changed the course of history, David Skaggs, a professor emeritus of history at Bowling Green State University, said Perry might not put it that way. Skaggs has written two books on Perry, "A Signal Victory," about the Lake Erie campaign, which he co-authored, and a biography, "Oliver Hazard Perry: Honor, Courage, and Patriotism in the Early U.S Navy."

While Harger and Buffum say Perry was effectively demoted by being sent to the Great Lakes rather than getting another high seas command, Skaggs said the Great Lakes commission still gave Perry great prestige. Perry, a Rhode Island native, became known as the "Hero of Lake Erie" after he defeated a British squadron, becoming the first U.S. commander to do so.

"Whether or not there is another officer that could have done as well as Perry did is one of those 'might-have-beens' that historians are not prone to ask," Skaggs said.

Still, Skaggs said he was intrigued by the discovery.

"It is certainly an interesting new find on the eve of the bicentennial of the War of 1812," he said.

'Long after the ships are gone their crews remember'

Master Commandant Oliver Hazard Perry and the American Navy fought the British in Lake Erie 188 years ago and won. A century later, workman constructed a monument to his victory on South Bass Island in Lake Erie, which is located west of Toledo and southeast of Detroit.

Perry commanded the Lake Erie naval force during the War of 1812. He was headquartered in the island’s village of Put-in-Bay and sailed from there on Sept. 19, 1813, to battle the British. After his victory, Perry sent the famous message, “We have met the enemy and they are ours” to Gen. William Henry Harrison, the commander of the war. Work on the Perry memorial began on the island in 1912. It took three years to complete the 352-foot memorial, the world’s largest Doric column.

During the three years of its construction, G. Otto Herbster took photographs of the building process.  While Kissell was working on the island, he discovered these photographic records along with the technical explanations of the construction of the column. “I came up with the idea, with their permission, to compile the book utilizing the pictures they had,” said Kissell. He has worked for the Park Service as a seasonal ranger on South Bass Island, from April through October, each year since. “I’d put in my eight hours with the park and then work on the book on my own time,” he said. The result is a 128 page book with 240 photographs and a brief text about the construction of the monument. The monument is the third tallest such monument in our national parks, according to Kissell. “It is taller than the Statue of Liberty,” he said. “The tallest is the arch at St. Louis. Washington’s Monument is second, then Perry Victory and International Peace Memorial.” Perry’s monument is 45 feet in diameter at the base and has an elevator to take visitors to the top. When Perry battled the British, the sailors who were killed were buried at sea. Three American and three British officers are buried under the rotunda of the memorial.

Arcadia Publishing, published a book by Jeff Kissell chronicling the construction of the Perry memorial. Kissell grew up in Benton Harbor, where his parents, Fred and Jessie Kissell live, and graduated from Lake Michigan Catholic High School in 1981. Although Jeff always loved history, he earned a degree in automotive management from Ferry& State University in 1985. After working for a few years, he decided to go back to school and earned a master’s degree in early American history in 1994 from Western Michigan University. After a short stint as a park ranger at Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky in 1997, Kissell took a position as a seasonal park ranger on South Bass Island, where he found Perry’s Victory & International Peace Memorial.

Arcadia Publishing is a firm known for local and regional history books. The book costs $19.99 and is available from Arcadia by calling (888) 313-2665 or on its Web site at http://www.arcadiapublishing.com/p07.htm If you’d like to meet Kissell, he will be at Majerek’s Readers World at the Orchards Mall in Beriton Township for a book signing from 1 to 2:30 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 1.sales@arcadiapublishing.com

San Dee Wallace is the Assistant Focus Editor of The Herald Palladium. Arts Notes is published each Thursday. You can e-mail her at swallace@heraldpalladium.com

Perry's Cave, registered as on Ohio Natural Landmark, is a NATURAL limestone cave steeped in historical tradition. The cave lies 52 feet below the surface of South Bass Island in Lake Erie. The discovery of the cave, in 1813, is credited to Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry, hero of the battle of Lake Erie. The cave is 208 feet long by 165 feet wide; the walls, ceiling and floor are heavily encrusted with calcium carbonate deposited by centuries of water dripping from the ceiling. The temperature remains in the vicinity of 50°

http://www.perryscave.com/about.htm

Perry's Monument
A 352 foot Doric column built in 1915 called Perry's Victory and International Peace Memorial. It was built to commemorate Perry's defeat of the British navy on 10 September 10, 1813 during the War of 1812. It was also a reminder of the lasting friendship between the United States and Canada along the longest peaceful border in the world.

http://www.pe.net/~rksnow/ohcountyput-in-bay.htm

 

Smoke Screen
LAWRENCE WARREN AULT, BT3. 5/26/\'15

I was assigned to the Perry DD844 IN 7/71 after returning from a carrier MED CRUISE. I had many experiences aboard this tin can. I was educated by an old WW II VET prior to my transfer to the destroyer. Well one very special day the ship was on duty off the coast of Cuba about 10 miles south of Havanna,We must have gotten too close to the international waters limit which was 6 miles off the island. We went too GQ stations a gunners\' mate yelled down to me in the after fire room and said there are two patrol gun boats coming fast on our stern. We had two boilers on line with two engines we took out to sea as fast as we could at 20 knots. I told me shipmate in the forward fireroom to smoke heavy black out of our smoke stacks. It worked as we did zig zags moving away from the two Cuban gunboats. All we knew to do was lay that smoke screen behind the ship while our gunners\' mates went to the fantail to give us protection. I know my friend BT3 Gary Brayton did not know why I said to do that. I also believe Cmdr. John V. Hall gave us a \"WELL DONE\" for laying down that smoke screen. It was so heavy that our gunners\' mates were choking on the fantail. Someone asked me where I learned to do that trick with a boiler burning black oil. Remember the old WW II Navy movies Robert Mitchum \" ENEMY BELOW\"Mitchum was a captain on a destroyer chasing a \"U-B0AT\" on patrol in the movie.He told the BT\'S to keep their smokestacks clear. SO WE NEVER GOT TAKEN BY THE CUBAN GUN BOATS.I will not say why the Perry was their that day in the spring of 1972. It was 39 day days on station in those waters off Cuba just doing our duty.